I once had a coworker who was a great conversationalist. Amanda was reasonable, funny and perceptive. One day after work, Amanda and I headed to a nearby happy hour to have dinner and drinks and, although we had very little to drink, upon leaving the restaurant we were stunned to realize five hours had somehow passed as imperceptibly and briskly as a sea breeze. (Sea Breeze: A six count of vodka with generous pours of cranberry and grapefruit juices all over ice, if I recall correctly from my bartending days.) Discussing the nuances of our professional situations and personal relationships, we had completely lost track of time! It was at that point that I updated our status from “coworkers” to “friends.” (Mentally, I mean; this was before Facebook.)
But the marathon quality of the chat session (again, I am being literal) is only one of two reasons this particular get-together has remained memorable these several years later. The other is of greater significance. With a few important exceptions, I was accustomed to one-sided friendships back then. Often, friends who shared with and vented to me most later terribly faltered when it came to reciprocation. However, when I confided in Amanda about a personal matter that night, she did not immediately change the subject back to herself. Far from it, she had apparently been paying attention for months as I sparingly divulged occasional details about this particular situation, listening so well that she now quickly cleared a space in front of her on the table, smoothed her napkin onto it, and proceeded to draw a visual representation of my scenario’s dynamics. “See, this circle is you, and THIS circle is your boyfriend, and YOU’RE like,” whooosh! Amanda extended a long line of ink across the paper fabric, “and, essentially, HIS line extends thiiiis way…” Whoosh. Scribble, scribble, etc. Seeing my relationship diagrammed on paper was helpful. Having an insightful friend take the time to provide carefully considered feedback was invaluable.
Hence my elevation of the Diagram Friend concept. Ever since Amanda and I opened that tab (our bar tab… no internet browsers involved), I have wanted to be that kind of confidant. So in my relationships I aim to really listen instead of just waiting to talk, remember the things expressed in the past, and understand what the other cares about most in life. Because while I will rarely have The Answers or even decide to dispense advice, in times of need I want to be able to say, “I completely hear you. I get you. And this is what your life looks like on a napkin.” Occasional five-hour sea breezes aren’t a bad idea, either.
- Sarah
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| Photo Credit: Fun and Food Blog - funnfud.blogspot.com |
But the marathon quality of the chat session (again, I am being literal) is only one of two reasons this particular get-together has remained memorable these several years later. The other is of greater significance. With a few important exceptions, I was accustomed to one-sided friendships back then. Often, friends who shared with and vented to me most later terribly faltered when it came to reciprocation. However, when I confided in Amanda about a personal matter that night, she did not immediately change the subject back to herself. Far from it, she had apparently been paying attention for months as I sparingly divulged occasional details about this particular situation, listening so well that she now quickly cleared a space in front of her on the table, smoothed her napkin onto it, and proceeded to draw a visual representation of my scenario’s dynamics. “See, this circle is you, and THIS circle is your boyfriend, and YOU’RE like,” whooosh! Amanda extended a long line of ink across the paper fabric, “and, essentially, HIS line extends thiiiis way…” Whoosh. Scribble, scribble, etc. Seeing my relationship diagrammed on paper was helpful. Having an insightful friend take the time to provide carefully considered feedback was invaluable.
Hence my elevation of the Diagram Friend concept. Ever since Amanda and I opened that tab (our bar tab… no internet browsers involved), I have wanted to be that kind of confidant. So in my relationships I aim to really listen instead of just waiting to talk, remember the things expressed in the past, and understand what the other cares about most in life. Because while I will rarely have The Answers or even decide to dispense advice, in times of need I want to be able to say, “I completely hear you. I get you. And this is what your life looks like on a napkin.” Occasional five-hour sea breezes aren’t a bad idea, either.
- Sarah
 |
| Okay, okay, I AM a couple of drinks deep in this particular picture. |
Additional Summer Drink Recipes
(Don't Forget the Napkins!)
*Alcohol not required. It isn't for everyone! Consider substituting portions of club soda, sparkling apple cider, or NA triple sec for the recipe's alcohol instead. One can't be an available, understanding friend if involved in self-destruction!
7 comments:
Love this sentiment. I couldn't agree more. Nothing rejuvenates your soul quite like a fantastic time with good friends (in person)! FB is only a substitute when distance is involved. :)
This is so true. "Real conversations" don't seem to take place as much anymore. People have reverted to texting, email or fb/myspace. It's rather sad, just like the handwritten letter we're losing our ability to converse with others. By the way, have I told you that you need to write a book!
Thank you, Melissa, and I agree - FB does have its role! Messmoma, every year I hope I will redevelop the habit of writing real letters, but haven't been successful yet! Letter writing is one cultural trend that has been a real loss. Hmm... maybe I will set up a letter writing station at home one of these days... You've gotten me thinking!
- Sarah
You are not just tht kind of friend - you are also that kind of daughter : ) You listen and you remember- rare qualities.
Nana and I used to write letters back and forth - occasionally even Papa would send a letter. I miss opening the mailbox with the expectaion that there may be something in it besides bills and ads. Maybe I will set up a letter writing station , too : )
So sweet, Mom. That makes me happy! Thank you. I need to send things in the mail to you sometimes, then. We started that for a little while when I first moved here, didn't we? You used to send cute little magazine clippings and such. I probably dropped the ball... Let's both set up stations! :)
- Sarah
Listening is an important skill and good listeners with spot-on insights are great friends to have.
Now excuse me while I turn the tables...I had a bar napkin conversation with a girlfriend years ago in which she was complaining about her husband. She illustrated the negative points of his personality on the napkin and it ended up looking like the devil! Glad your conversation turned out better and those drinks sound yummy! Mojitos aren't probably trendy anymore but they are my new favorite next to the lemon martini.
I know what you mean, Terri! I discovered Cosmotinis at least seven years after doing so ever could have made me hip... and at a bowling alley at that! I have no idea what is trendy NOW.
- Sarah
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