Confessions of an Aspiring Conversationalist

I am enrolled in a couple of classes at our local university this fall.  A recent assignment for one required reading about the communication skills essential to effective leadership. (Click here to take a pretty cool personal online assessment.) Afterward, we were to reflect on and write about personal communication strengths and weaknesses. 

Well, it turns out I had already been reflecting on my communication issues, so I didn't have to stretch for or struggle with the project... and not because I had all sorts of strengths to share. My one especially glaring weakness was what I knew I definitely wouldn't have any trouble accessing.

A Look in the Mirror

I have long considered my written communication skills to be stronger than my verbal communication abilities. Awareness of my personality type recently provided me additional insight into these tendencies.

As covered in An Introvert in the Information Age, I am a natural introvert. The Myers-Briggs framework of psychological types uses the term introversion (versus extraversion) in reference to one’s preferred mode of functioning. Introverts live in their heads, whereas extraverts live in the world outside, amongst others. As an introvert, my quiet internal experience – my ideas, my analysis of others and our interactions, the way I organize my thoughts, etc. – constitutes my most tangible reality. 

Therefore, that communicating in writing gives me time to carefully select each word and consider how my expressions will likely be perceived is comforting and thus serves as my preference. However, I am deeply interested in others, which is why being able to communicate at least appropriately in every mode is important to me.  So while thinking on my feet is not something I do with natural ease (for example, even telephone conversations feel somewhat awkward due to the real-time pressure), throughout my life I have managed to adopt the skills necessary to be a generally effective communicator in person as well.

So I will cover a couple of skills before getting to my problem. One of the traits I consider valuable is that, when conversing with others, I tend to spend the majority of time talking about the other person rather than myself. (Although I am learning to bring myself into the conversation more, because healthy relationships are two-sided.)  The ability to perceive others’ feelings is another of my strengths; I tend to notice subtleties of expression indicating if someone is upset or otherwise affected. (Of course that doesn't mean I always know what to do about it!)

But herein also lays my biggest communication obstacle - of which I have been becoming increasingly aware - and it is a tall one: I interrupt! I frequently interrupt. I am a terrible interrupter. Admitting this truth to myself has been uncomfortable and disappointing, because I so much want and intend to be kind and personable. I do not cut people off in order to instead talk about myself or because I am not interested in what they have to say. Instead, this unintentional behavior stems from my enthusiasm for the interaction and interest in what I am hearing; I tend to be a very active listener. For example, someone may start telling me about something that happened recently and I will interject with something like, “Wait, when did this happen?” or “Was this before or after ___________?” Additionally, when I think I know where someone is going with their point, I often--- painful confession on it's way... wait for iiit...
--- finish their sentence for them. (Giant. Cringe.) This behavior isn't about wanting the person to hurry and get to their point or anything that crass, but simply comes from my desire to communicate that we are in tune and on the same page. Regardless, finishing others' sentences is an awful habit. For me, the most insidious part of the whole thing is that I never seem to realize I am about to do it. Inconveniently, my awareness only ever kicks in moments afterward, when it is too late. Then, when I realize what I've just done, I consider apologizing but don't want to interrupt again! The Bottom Line: Even though my intentions and behaviors stem from being highly engaged with my conversations, interrupting is distracting to others, interrupts their stream of out-loud-consciousness, and is rude.

My plan for improvement is to work on being more mindful during conversations. I hope that while other people are talking I can require myself to wait until they finish expressing a thought before I ask questions, reflect on what I heard or contribute my opinions. Please wish me luck! And, if you happen to be one of the terrific people I am lucky enough at this point in my life to interact with face-to-face, please know that your enduring patience never goes unnoticed! 

Lots of Love,

Sarah