A Dizzying Experience

As of last week I have officially lost 30 pounds. At first I considered whether to celebrate, because it has happened as the result of a disappointing development in my life. I visited some friends recently and one of them said, "You look GREAT!"  My response started off just how I wanted it to, with a genuine, "Thank you!"  I meant to stop there. But then, feeling guilty, I immediately tacked on, "I found out I have diabetes."  Then, feeling tackY for divulging too much information to someone I hadn't seen in several months, I laughed, and apologized, "I guess I don't have to tell everyone that - I just feel guilty accepting a compliment for something I'd probably not have had the motivation to do otherwise!" She gave me good advice. "Well, you still had to do all the work! So you can accept the compliment." (Love her.)

Needless to say life has been strange for me lately. I have been so tired for a long time, but believed fatigue to be an expected aspect of being a new parent. Then I started feeling dizzy almost all the time. Seeing the doctor spun off weeks of appointments and testing and the receipt of intermittently partial, false negative and ultimately disappointing information. My doctor's interpretation of the results ranged from hypoglycemia, borderline diabetes, Type 2 diabetes, not diabetic at all, replay of the original glucose test in case of a fluke, diabetes again, more testing and, finally, a definitive diagnosis of Type 1 diabetes. (Luckily, I eventually found a great specialist who knew how to properly diagnose my problem.)

So, I don't have I-can-prevent-the-real-thing-if-I-eat-a-balanced-diet borderline diabetes. Nor do I have family-history-and-my-moderate-overweightness-induced Type 2 diabetes, which can often be managed with diet and exercise. Instead, I have what I had least preferred of all the possibilities. Type 1 diabetes has usually been referred to as "juvenile diabetes," but inaccurately so because it can apparently develop at any age. Type 1 diabetes is an autoimmune disease that occurs independently of personal choices, caused when the body's immune system strangely decides to attack insulin producing pancreatic cells. (In Type 2 diabetes, for the most part the body doesn't appropriately use the insulin that it does make.) Eventually, the pancreas of an individual with Type 1 diabetes can't make any more insulin at all, ever. Because the human body cannot survive without insulin, people with Type 1 diabetes need insulin injections (or, as of recently, one of a couple of other forms of administration) for the rest of their lives.

Having complete information has definitely brought my stress level down. I am not worried about being able to manage the new diet, which I have done successfully for a while now (hence the weight loss). I am also not worried about using needles on a regular basis in the near future. (Becoming a mom has toughened me up a little.) I suppose the things that concern me most have to do with whether the personal changes I make will be effective enough to prevent the eventual complications for which people with diabetes are at risk, i.e. kidney problems, blindness, amputations, etc. (See why the diet is so easy to follow? There are bigger concerns at hand than missing desserts or white potatoes!)  Then again, none of us has any guarantee of being able to avoid major health problems for the rest of our lives, but we don't generally go around fixating on the possibilities. Plus, chances are that by controlling my blood sugar like I have been, I will not experience these issues.

I am encountering that misinformation sometimes leads people to say things that are unintentionally hurtful. Hopefully, eventually I won't be so sensitive. I know that everyone has meant well. But one woman responded to my health information with extreme exclamation, "Diabetes?!?!?!" followed by, "You should have taken better care of yourself!"  Another said, "I am surprised you are diabetic. I thought you ate pretty healthy." The implication of course being that I must not have had a healthy diet after all, because clearly I made myself  "diabetic." (Note: I AM not diabetes, but I HAVE it - a seemingly minor distinction but one that becomes important to most people who have a chronic condition.)  Another asked if I will go back to eating unhealthy when I start insulin treatment. Again, this assumes that my lifestyle was unhealthy before, and suggests that insulin administration will be some sort of hedonistic free pass instead of what it really is: an unpleasant and inconvenient but essential lifeline. Besides, people with T1 diabetes must monitor their diets, exercise, and insulin. Anyway, I think statements like these are particularly difficult to hear because I have always been health conscious (although not obsessed with thinness over the last few years).

Overall, somehow becoming a person with diabetes has actually been a more positively transformative than stressful experience. Learning that my body doesn't function like one's should is certainly a vulnerable feeling. My existence suddenly seems fragile, which was profoundly uncomfortable at first. But stronger than the discomfort is an emerging awe and wonder at being alive at all. My most powerful feelings are of gratitude, relief and even joy, because intimately bound to my new sense of mortality is this heightened appreciation for life. If I had lived a hundred years ago, I would literally have something like a few months or maybe a couple of years left to live... which is a surreal realization. Instead I can most likely go on living until I am old. Because modern medicine will ultimately extend my life, I feel like everything I will get to experience afterward will be an extra bonus, a gift. Not being sure who to thank doesn't leave me any less thrilled.

Which brings me back to my original question: Will I be celebrating my weight loss? Absolutely. In an awesome dress. And I'll be celebrating all sorts of other things as often as possible, too.

- Sarah