The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Moms

Randy, our 15-month old and I arrive at the restaurant, and I am so prepared: Our diaper bag is fit for a government covert ops agent. The baby's milk cup is stowed in its own special temperature controlled pouch so it won't have gotten so warm in the hour since we left our house that she can possibly contract any sort of foodborne illness. I disinfect my hands with the large bottle of hand gel we keep in its respective pouch at all times. Randy disinfects his hands. I remove the cap that keeps contaminants from the milk cup's spout, and place it on a large, fresh napkin to prevent its direct contact with the table. I place my silverware and baby's on separate napkins to avoid any of them from coming into contact with the table (a habit I acquired after working in restaurants and realizing how very, very gross are the towels used to "clean" tables between guests) and keep hers from being exposed to the dairy products from my meal to which she is allergic. When a diaper change becomes absolutely necessary, despite my strong aversion to taking baby into public restrooms, we brave the crowd. I am discouraged to find no wall hook next to the changing station. Fine. I lengthen the strap to sling the bag across my torso and access needed items without having to set it on the floor. I remove the antimicrobial diaper changing pad from its pocket and arrange it on the table before setting baby down. I change her diaper, then disinfect my hands again so that as many germs as possible from the public changing table are compromised before I pick up baby to remove her from the pad. I disinfect her hands, too, because despite my diligent requests to the contrary, she has fondled every surface within reach of her perch. I return diaper changing pad to its pocket. Now I really need to wash my hands. Luckily, a thoughtful fellow public bathroom patron offers to hold baby so I can. I do the thing where I use a paper towel to turn the faucet on and off. I thank the nice woman and proceed to wash baby's hands, doing the thing with the paper towel again. I toss that paper towel and retrieve a fresh one to use to pull the door open. Baby and I return to the table and, confident that we are all appropriately sanitary, I secure her into the highchair so we can finally enjoy our meals. 

And we do. The food is delicious, and baby is being so well-behaved that Randy and I get to enjoy a few minutes of adult conversation. Wow, baby is actually being very well-behaved. She hasn't made a peep. I glance over to assess how the carrots and green beans are coming along. But baby is not eating her food, vegetables or otherwise. She is busying herself, however, and the sight immediately puts a sensation in my chest similar to what I imagine it might feel like to swallow an orange whole. Baby's tongue is extended as far outside of her mouth as possible and is pressed firmly against the tabletop as she slowwwly licks baaack and forth, baaack and forth along the entire length of the edge of the table. A laugh manages to squeeze its way around the words I'm trying to form to alert Randy to make her stop. So much for our careful efforts!

- Sarah

I Want to Be a Diagram Friend

I once had a coworker who was a great conversationalist.  Amanda was reasonable, funny and perceptive.  One day after work, Amanda and I headed to a nearby happy hour to have dinner and drinks and, although we had very little to drink, upon leaving the restaurant we were stunned to realize five hours had somehow passed as imperceptibly and briskly as a sea breeze. (Sea Breeze: A six count of vodka with generous pours of cranberry and grapefruit juices all over ice, if I recall correctly from my bartending days.)  Discussing the nuances of our professional situations and personal relationships, we had completely lost track of time!  It was at that point that I updated our status from “coworkers” to “friends.” (Mentally, I mean; this was before Facebook.)

Photo Credit: Fun and Food Blog - funnfud.blogspot.com

But the marathon quality of the chat session (again, I am being literal) is only one of two reasons this particular get-together has remained memorable these several years later.  The other is of greater significance.  With a few important exceptions, I was accustomed to one-sided friendships back then.  Often, friends who shared with and vented to me most later terribly faltered when it came to reciprocation.  However, when I confided in Amanda about a personal matter that night, she did not immediately change the subject back to herself.  Far from it, she had apparently been paying attention for months as I sparingly divulged occasional details about this particular situation, listening so well that she now quickly cleared a space in front of her on the table, smoothed her napkin onto it, and proceeded to draw a visual representation of my scenario’s dynamics.  “See, this circle is you, and THIS circle is your boyfriend, and YOU’RE like,” whooosh! Amanda extended a long line of ink across the paper fabric, “and, essentially, HIS line extends thiiiis way…”  Whoosh. Scribble, scribble, etc.  Seeing my relationship diagrammed on paper was helpful.  Having an insightful friend take the time to provide carefully considered feedback was invaluable.

Hence my elevation of the Diagram Friend concept. Ever since Amanda and I opened that tab (our bar tab… no internet browsers involved), I have wanted to be that kind of confidant.  So in my relationships I aim to really listen instead of just waiting to talk, remember the things expressed in the past, and understand what the other cares about most in life.  Because while I will rarely have The Answers or even decide to dispense advice, in times of need I want to be able to say, “I completely hear you.  I get you.  And this is what your life looks like on a napkin.”  Occasional five-hour sea breezes aren’t a bad idea, either.

- Sarah

Okay, okay, I AM a couple of drinks deep in this particular picture.

Additional Summer Drink Recipes

(Don't Forget the Napkins!) 

*Mango and Pineapple Mojitos

*Blackberry Bellinis 

*Pomegranate Martinis 

*Alcohol not required. It isn't for everyone! Consider substituting portions of club soda, sparkling apple cider, or NA triple sec for the recipe's alcohol instead. One can't be an available, understanding friend if involved in self-destruction!

6 Ways to Really Get to Know Your Town… Whether You’re New to It or Not

 

 A Typical Picture of Renovation.
Yes, corporate FF and all - unfortunate but true.

 When relocating, adjusting
 to living in your new
 home, let alone a new
 city, takes longer than
 expected! When Randy
 and I were in the process
 of our move from out-of-
 state, friends who had
 experience in this arena
 advised us to be patient;
 we were told that to even
 start to feel settled and
 make new friends takes a
 solid two years. I
 remember doubting their
 long estimate at the time.
 But two years in, I kept
 telling others we had
 moved “just last year” -
 because it seemed we had barely arrived - before realizing how much time had actually passed! Now, over three years later, this place is finally starting to feel like home.

Once in your new ‘hood, you could hang at the nearest bar for social interaction - and there is certainly a time and place for that - but it is the least dynamic of options. A few things we started doing early and often were invaluable in truly acquainting us with our new setting:

1. Get to know your neighbors. My fellow native Phoenicians will sympathize with how challenging this can be. Born and raised in Phoenix, prior to moving I was accustomed to the cinder block walls that separate every property. Plus, partly due to the heat, people tend to drive directly into their garages at the end of the day. The walls and garages don’t make for very good neighborliness; you almost never see one another, let alone speak. As I have become an adult, though, I have increasingly realized how important and rewarding it is to be a good neighbor and how priceless good neighbors are! They were also an invaluable information resource for us new-in-towners.

2. Take a class. I have discovered my local community college, and am so glad I have! I went directly to a state university after high school, so never had the opportunity to be involved with a community college until I decided to take a few exploratory courses, with a career change in mind, shortly after arriving in town. The CC was a great place to start learning about local activist groups and non-profit organizations, and to meet a diverse cast of others from the community. Whether you are considering a career change yourself; want to add a certification to your resume; have always wondered about organic chemistry, Eastern European history, computer science or are simply determined to find out what this “Zumba” thing is all about, the classes are extremely affordable and the lifelong learning setting is invigorating.

3. Find free activities. Even if you aren’t strapped for cash like Randy and I were (and are!), picking up your local publication (i.e. Phoenix New Times, Illinois Times, etc.) at a coffee shop each week is totally worth the five minutes. You will discover listings of just about every uber-local event and establishment in town, and all sorts of free activities. By checking out free film series, art displays, open mic nights, etc., we not only saved the cash we would have spent going to the movies or a bar, but we became better acquainted with some of the subtle, quirky, subcultural vibes happening around town as well. Plus, just attempting to find the locations served as much-needed practice maneuvering the city!

Dressed up for Hoogland's Rocky Horror Show. Local theater,
and went with our super fun neighbors! (See Items #1 & #5.)

4. Connect with a non-profit. As busy as getting settled in to the new place will keep you, there will be more downtime than you expect. After relocating, all of the time once spent with friends and family is suddenly empty. This is a great opportunity to get involved as a volunteer with a cause or group you have always been passionate about. You will meet new, likeminded people and learn a ton about your town through the group’s mission statement, networking partners, target populations, etc.

5. Support local businesses. Even if your budget does not normally allow for dining out, you are going to have to for a week or two at least, depending upon the state of your new home. You can go to McDonald’s or T.G.I. Friday’s in any town, learn nothing, and support a faceless corporation in the process. Bo-ring (and even a little morally questionable). Supporting your local restaurants, coffee shops, markets and other businesses/vendors as frequently as possible helps keep your local economy strong and supports real people’s efforts and dreams. Plus, as the owners are frequently womanning the cash register, you will meet some key players in the community. And when you mention you are new in town, you are likely to receive all kinds of recommendations and behind-the-scenes information. Therefore, this piece of advice has a part two:
5b. Tell people you are new in town!

6. Check out spiritual communities. Most Americans have a religious affiliation, so narrowing down this sort of search is not likely to be difficult. But you don’t have to be religious to do this - Randy and I are not. When he was growing up, his mom would take him to various, widely diverse religious services for the cultural experiences. We haven’t done that yet, but I was curious about the Unitarian Universalist congregation, so Randy agreed to visit with me. It was such a refreshing experience, I would highly recommend that everyone visit their local UU community at least once. What we discovered: Unitarian Universalism has established a spiritual community welcoming individuals from every religion, belief system and orientation (including humanists, secular humanists, agnostics and atheists). The community fosters increased understanding and meaningful dialogue, celebrating the things we all have in common. In addition to meeting weekly, the congregations facilitate a huge variety of special interest breakout sessions throughout the week, including news junkie groups, Zen meditation sessions, cycling groups, yoga, quilting circles, book clubs, movie nights, environmentalist meetings, Christian bible studies, Atheist philosophy coffee chats, etc. Talk about opportunities to meet people! There is something for everyone. Attending may have been the single most personally valuable thing I have done as a new resident to my community.

The approaches we have taken to meeting our “new” town have resulted in seeing recurring faces all over the place. Recently, after spotting the same guy at nearly every film, non-profit event, concert and festival, I finally introduced myself. I am glad I did. John is very cool! (Of course I would think so - we apparently have all the same interests!) There are really neat things happening all around you. Start making connections. And have fun!

- Sarah

Our mantra on the road trip was "You don't know a place until you've been lost there."
So consider this the Unofficial Item #7: Explore. Get Lost.

Thinking Outside the Box (by Living Inside of It)

Like I talked about in The Future is Here, Randy and I are always intrigued by others' deliberate, drastic life changes - especially those that involve traveling or simplifying.  And Randy has recently stumbled upon (translation: become addicted to) a certain website that "knows" what sorts of things intrigue him and thus makes uncannily customized suggestions accordingly. If only I could remember what the site is called...  Oh, right, it's *StumbleUpon.Com!  Go figure.  Well, because the site knows him so well (it ought to, by now!), it guided him to an article about an artist in Seattle who worked wonders with a garage that she now calls home.

I like things that help us remember that much of what we think of as being absolutely necessary in life is just an assumption.  In actuality, we usually have more options than we realize.  Which brings to mind a fitting lyric from a favorite Eagles' song, Already Gone: "So oftentimes it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key."

Click here to see pictures of Ms. Seattle's new, truly no larger than necessary space.

Also take a moment to read about the affordable, beautiful option of living in "reclaimed space."

- Sarah

* The opinions stated herein are not an endorsement of stumbleupon.com. Life Flipping does not receive nor has it ever accepted compensation for its content. I hate that $#*!

Be Kind to Yourself

What is the best advice you have ever been given?  Perhaps it was a financial philosophy from a grandparent or romantic perspective from an older sibling.  Mine was from an unexpected source – a stranger – and at the time it seemed he had psychological x-ray goggles, saw right through my upbeat exterior, and dispensed his advice perfectly according to his uncanny insight.  It was great advice.  Not only do I recall it a few times every week, but it has become one of the main values by which I live.

Even the Best of Divorces is STRESSFUL

I was twenty-six years old and newly divorced.  I had worked just about full-time for five years throughout college while earning a bachelor’s degree – so I started my career already pretty spent.  I eventually took a position as a case manager with children and families in crisis.  I had also married my college boyfriend and, three years later, the combined strain of our divorce and the emotionally draining social work left me seeking a serious break from everything stressful.  So I left my job when I left my marriage, determined to avoid taking another career job for awhile.  Instead, I decided to work at the coffee shop down the street from my new rental.

I will spare the nitty-gritty details of the marriage but, in short, my ex-husband had been a demeaning, confusing person to be with.  He would be very specific about the things he did not like about me and my body.  He was one of those guys who would get upset at a restaurant if I ordered a sandwich instead of a salad.  My best very, very short description of his issues is that he was chronically psychologically uncomfortable, and it was easier for him to believe that I was the source of his disappointment than to do any soul searching in order to get to the roots of his real problems.

Leaving that marriage was one of the best three or four choices I have ever made in my life.  Because, as I have said before, those who don’t cherish you never will.   However, although my ex’s scrutiny was not nearly as intense before we got married as it became later, I do not forget that I am the one who chose the relationship in the first place.  There were warning signs early on that a healthier, more confident girl would have detected.  But when we started dating, I had a lifelong history of not being very nice to myself, either. For example, starting early in high school, I used exercise as some sort of self punishment, refusing to take days off even when I was very sick.  When college rolled around, this behavior escalated into restricting my food intake to try and lose as much weight as rapidly as possible.  At one point I did not eat for five days in a row and, shortly thereafter for a few months, I consumed the following each day: a low-carb protein bar for breakfast, a plain can of tuna for lunch, and nothing else.  So it is possible that when we started dating, my college boyfriend/later husband/now ex-husband treated me better than I treated myself!

Fast forward back to my post-divorce stress-detox stint – albeit a very caffeinated one! - in the coffee shop six years later.  While my self-awareness, self-esteem, and lifestyle had been becoming healthier for years, there is nothing like a divorce to make a person feel not so great about herself.  Despite my relief at having shed a relationship so completely devoid of acceptance and nurturing, I was certainly struggling with a sense of failure… Fortunately, I was aware of it and working on it, and feeling a little lighter every day.  Plus, the coffee shop was a good place to spend time: high-end, terrific coffee, wonderful ambiance and a solid cast of returning characters--- er, customers.  One elderly gentleman in particular, who I will call Carson, came in nearly every day to read and then meet with various friends for extended afternoon chats.  This man absolutely exuded vitality and joy (but genuinely, not in a schmoozy way).  He was one of those rare people who was never too hurried to really look at and listen to whoever he was talking to, coffee baristas included.  One evening, after I had finished brewing and mixing Carson’s usual to-go concoction, he stopped on his way out the door.  He turned around and, with a pensive look in his eyes and a knowing smile on his face, said to me, “Be kind to yourself,” before exiting the shop.

Wow.  Be kind to yourself.  This concept captured in one simple phrase so much of what had been wrong with my approach to life.  I had spent years literally starving myself in a constant effort to be thinner, practicing extreme, dangerous sleep deprivation in high school and throughout college to try and earn perfect grades, feeling ashamed of myself for my failed early- to mid-twenties romance, and on and on and on.  What it all added up to was that, essentially, I was really quite incredibly mean to myself.  What if I were nice to myself instead?  What if I treated myself with a bit of patience and basic nurturing?  What if I decided I was important enough to deserve a good night’s sleep every night, and decent, healthy meals, and a little understanding and forgiveness for the ways in which my life wasn’t exactly perfect, and relationships only with people who treated me with love and respect?  What if I recognized and appreciated my own inherent worth and beauty, independently of my dress size?  Be kind to yourself.  What simple, wonderful advice!

Meditative Time Outdoors

Carson’s wisdom ended up serving as the perfect philosophy for my stress detoxification phase.  I started going for long walks before work - not to lose weight, but to actually enjoy some quiet personal time and the pleasant weather.  I made it a point to take drawn out, relaxing baths each night.  I started spending time with and dating the nicest, most patient person I had ever met. (Spoiler Alert: That turned out really well.)  I took frequent, sometimes long breaks from work to travel.  My focus on and appreciation for experiencing the moment increased dramatically.  I began investing more of myself into my friendships.  I continued to consider what I wanted my life to look like, realizing I could create the life of my choosing, and worked toward establishing that vision with Randy.  Our engagement, cross-country road trip, and purchase of and relocation to this fixer-upper on the lake all fell into place over the following years.

Downtime Together

Life is Good!

Presently, I am having the time of my life.  As with any good thing, creating a more joyful life did not take place overnight and is an ongoing journey rather than a final destination.  And although the mindset behind it cannot be boiled down to one single catchphrase, Carson’s words played an important role in the transformation I was undergoing.  Be kind to yourself.  I am grateful that he took the time to be kind to me and have an authentic interaction. Then, like we are supposed to when a stranger is unexpectedly good to us, I decided to “pay forward” the thoughtful gesture… Except I paid it forward to myself.

- Sarah