Karma is a Big Witch

At 2:30 this morning I finally realized I have been receiving personal visits from the Big witch Karma on a nightly basis for several weeks now, and on an otherwise fairly regular basis for a little over a year. We were already well-acquainted, so it shouldn't have taken me so long to recognize her presence.

Shortly after the birth of my daughter, I began attending a breastfeeding support group facilitated by a local RN, Lactation Consultant and Doula. (Believe it or not, I am referring to one individual with three titles. Furthermore, as several of you know, this list is far from comprehensive. We could add Lifeline, Angel and Hero to the list and still not do her justice.) Best idea ever! The group was invaluable for me in staying sane throughout the wild transition into motherhood.

Similarly to a church service or other support group setting, each week participants would share their "Blessings and Prayer Requests" or "Accomplishments and Setbacks" or "Successes and Challenges" or what have you. I certainly never had qualms about sharing my challenges with the group. But, one day a few months after baby arrived, I felt jubilant about a cause for celebration in our house. So, relieved and giddy, when my turn in the circle came around I shared that my baby was now sleeping through the night. I could almost hear my special news thud to the floor, having gone over with this crowd with the approximate grace of a lead balloon. Never hesitant to share the facts, but typically slow as ever to consider how they might be received, it wasn't until I felt the ensuing dark cloud settle over the room that I realized how insensitive it had been to essentially boast - whether that was my intention or not - to a roomful of exhausted, udderly sore mothers that my baby was sleeping through the ni-i-i-i-i-i-ight (read in universal Nanee Nanee Noo Noo tone of childish exultation).

Well, none of them needed fret because, like I said, Karma is a Big witch. No insult to Karma intended here. (That would be a terrible mistake.)  I aim only to give her due credit. My use of "witch" certainly carries with it no negative connotations. Witches have keen, uncanny powers of perception and magical abilities.  Nothing gets past a witch unnoticed! They are really quite impressive. And by prefacing "witch" with a big, capital 'B,'  well, that wasn't a negative description, either. In these modern times, we all know that _-i-t-c-h-es are strong, competent ladies. So, this Karma, in true Bitch form, being as adept and successful at her job as she is, certainly hasn't missed the opportunity to follow me from that day forth and grace me with a valuable life lesson.

Stalked by Karma

As a first-time parent, I had been carrying around the naive notion that, once baby slept through the night, there was no going back, that the Sleep Thing was a task to check off one time and then move on to the next developmental milestone. Oh, not so. Not so. Thankfully, Karma has educated me in this matter. Sure, baby slept through the night for another eight weeks (but who's counting?) after that fateful support group session, just enough time for me to become nice and comfy within my false sense of peace and accomplishment. But since then, baby has consistently taken fewer and shorter naps than her peers and only slept through the night for short-lived, few-week bouts before falling into long patterns of two-, three-, four- and sometimes five-time a night wakefulness.

But there was light at the end of the tunnel. Or was there? A few months ago, baby finally eased into a lovely, pleasant, consistent pattern of daytime napping and nighttime sleep. So I figured I had paid my dues to Karma in full this time around. But being a loyal friend and an effective witch, she has ensured I retain all important points from this learning opportunity and not accidentally mistake our recent interactions for any other possible factor or force of nature. Therefore, Karma has concluded the recent, lovely phase of sleep, arranging for baby to cease all regular napping activity on the exact day I began my new degree program last month, drastically cutting into homework time. But that's okay, luckily Karma is very good at what she does! Baby is back to waking several times a night, too, so I'll just do my work then. 

- Sarah

Confessions of an Aspiring Conversationalist

I am enrolled in a couple of classes at our local university this fall.  A recent assignment for one required reading about the communication skills essential to effective leadership. (Click here to take a pretty cool personal online assessment.) Afterward, we were to reflect on and write about personal communication strengths and weaknesses. 

Well, it turns out I had already been reflecting on my communication issues, so I didn't have to stretch for or struggle with the project... and not because I had all sorts of strengths to share. My one especially glaring weakness was what I knew I definitely wouldn't have any trouble accessing.

A Look in the Mirror

I have long considered my written communication skills to be stronger than my verbal communication abilities. Awareness of my personality type recently provided me additional insight into these tendencies.

As covered in An Introvert in the Information Age, I am a natural introvert. The Myers-Briggs framework of psychological types uses the term introversion (versus extraversion) in reference to one’s preferred mode of functioning. Introverts live in their heads, whereas extraverts live in the world outside, amongst others. As an introvert, my quiet internal experience – my ideas, my analysis of others and our interactions, the way I organize my thoughts, etc. – constitutes my most tangible reality. 

Therefore, that communicating in writing gives me time to carefully select each word and consider how my expressions will likely be perceived is comforting and thus serves as my preference. However, I am deeply interested in others, which is why being able to communicate at least appropriately in every mode is important to me.  So while thinking on my feet is not something I do with natural ease (for example, even telephone conversations feel somewhat awkward due to the real-time pressure), throughout my life I have managed to adopt the skills necessary to be a generally effective communicator in person as well.

So I will cover a couple of skills before getting to my problem. One of the traits I consider valuable is that, when conversing with others, I tend to spend the majority of time talking about the other person rather than myself. (Although I am learning to bring myself into the conversation more, because healthy relationships are two-sided.)  The ability to perceive others’ feelings is another of my strengths; I tend to notice subtleties of expression indicating if someone is upset or otherwise affected. (Of course that doesn't mean I always know what to do about it!)

But herein also lays my biggest communication obstacle - of which I have been becoming increasingly aware - and it is a tall one: I interrupt! I frequently interrupt. I am a terrible interrupter. Admitting this truth to myself has been uncomfortable and disappointing, because I so much want and intend to be kind and personable. I do not cut people off in order to instead talk about myself or because I am not interested in what they have to say. Instead, this unintentional behavior stems from my enthusiasm for the interaction and interest in what I am hearing; I tend to be a very active listener. For example, someone may start telling me about something that happened recently and I will interject with something like, “Wait, when did this happen?” or “Was this before or after ___________?” Additionally, when I think I know where someone is going with their point, I often--- painful confession on it's way... wait for iiit...
--- finish their sentence for them. (Giant. Cringe.) This behavior isn't about wanting the person to hurry and get to their point or anything that crass, but simply comes from my desire to communicate that we are in tune and on the same page. Regardless, finishing others' sentences is an awful habit. For me, the most insidious part of the whole thing is that I never seem to realize I am about to do it. Inconveniently, my awareness only ever kicks in moments afterward, when it is too late. Then, when I realize what I've just done, I consider apologizing but don't want to interrupt again! The Bottom Line: Even though my intentions and behaviors stem from being highly engaged with my conversations, interrupting is distracting to others, interrupts their stream of out-loud-consciousness, and is rude.

My plan for improvement is to work on being more mindful during conversations. I hope that while other people are talking I can require myself to wait until they finish expressing a thought before I ask questions, reflect on what I heard or contribute my opinions. Please wish me luck! And, if you happen to be one of the terrific people I am lucky enough at this point in my life to interact with face-to-face, please know that your enduring patience never goes unnoticed! 

Lots of Love,

Sarah